ticking away

i can feel it

right there in the middle of me

waiting to come out

i may not look it, No

But i feel it

it keeps getting stronger

and stronger

and at any moment

it might explode

i might break

u may be wounded

and still ............,

Guarantee for life?

*for the umpteenth time*
I love my job. talking to people and making them see the tough-stuff that makes up their core gives me immense satisfaction. It truly does!

But...,
It is also very depressing at times.

At the age i am and I'm guessing most of my friends reading this are, we often look at our world through lilac pink (coz i like it better than rose :P) lenses and dream of a lifetime of love, undying loyalty and the ability to look back in our old age and see a family complete with children, grandchildren and by god's grace, great-grand children all happy and healthy.

Then again,

everyday I'm bombarded with people who once had these same dreams as you and i; being subjected to all kinds of heartache that many of us have only read about. There's no guarantee that the guy who seems to be the love of our life now will remain that guy 20 years, 10 years or even 1 year down the road. If its only the relationship that breaks, it's still fine but more often than not, they lose a big part of themselves,who they are, their identity, their faith in life and what it has to offer, and their beliefs. On top of that they have a string of children to tend to, zero bank balance, no shelter or food. and the guy, well he is off marrying someone else or busy building up his life somewhere. *this is the worst of scenarios*

but there's always the possibility *tiniest as ever as it may be* that this can happen to anyone of us. to me.

and that scares me. it really does.

then again life doesn't come with any guarantees does it?

p/s: I sat one seat away from MarinaM at a Bar Council seminar. And IvyJ (my Boss) introduced us; hands and all. I kept a straight-face throughout and after we were seated i was like ZOMG!!! to Di (my colleague) :D

the confusion called-I

somehow i feel the mad-dash of this short sem more than any short sem. i guess it's coz its my last sem in coll. and after this i have no idea wt i wanna do. i always knew by instinct wt i had to do, where i wanted to go, what to lok forward to but now its lik im walking down a blind alley and i've lost my compass.

>mom just told me she cant afford to send me to National University of Singapore. its RM120 000 for Masters in Clinical Psych 4 two years. plus accomodation n all. god!

>then i'm tryin to get an internship under some Clinical PSychologists (there are only handful of them btw in Malaysia) which i'm nervous of calling them. which is stupid coz i'll never knw if i x pick the phone but then wt if im turned dwn? at least now i have a plan....if it fails then i x have a plan anymore and have to get a new one.

>mom is tellin me to apply 4 UKM's Masters prog -which i x wan- simply coz it doesnt feel rite.

**goin to hillcrest felt rite, the decision to do Psych inspite of all the opposition felt right, coming to HELP felt right, staying on has been betta, interning, volunteering, running 4 council...everything felt rite. even thinkin of applying to NUS felt rite...but not UKM...n i x think my mom gets it. nus/ukm/help its all the same to her..can't blame her, she's being practical.**

on a personal level, friends are there. im still hanging with the same ppl an they are as great as ever...but somehow,i still feel alone and confused and detached. and worst part is i x knw y.



i have to snap out of being morose, i might get bored of myself.
im still swaying but i'll find my way back to shore pretty soon.
.i always do.

shadows of a broken past

bloggin after a long time..
its 2008, a new year, new aspirations, new goals
but then there are the
ol' heartaches, ol' memories, ol' pain.

"i know i deserve much betta, sum1 hu wants to be out with me n not just in the secluded areas wer ppl cant see us.i dont want to feel loyal to you and turn my back against others coz i know i aint worth that much to you. i wanna be able to put u in my past and move on but sumhow i don't and its not because i can't sometimes i think maybe just maybe i dont want to. weird.i dont know what i feel towards u. sumtimes i feel lik calling u up and tellin u dat i x want to be friends, i wan more than that, much more...but i stop myself before the phone rings at your end. i want to see the guy that u once were. not hu u have become coz this new guy seems to me like a put-on. a deliberately worn mask to hide ur self from what, i have no idea. i can rant on all nite but i know it x make a difference.ur the one who told me to stop talkin to you so you could be with your ex, will u ever be any different?why am i so attracted to you after all the heartache?this is the question i need an answer to. it hurts me to be treated lik any other girl, it hurts me to know that im just a hobby, it hurts to see ur indifference to me. on top of all it hurts to know that im also a reason to the pain i feel"

xxx shadows of a broken past xxx

blue-blue me

i was SMS-ing yuvz today n she helped me nail down the exact term as to wat shan was to me. probably he WAS my sound board. n nw since we're no longer togeder, i guess maybe thats y i feel so lost coz i think dat maybe my fwenz x be interested in my probs and x spend time listening to me.don't get me wrong, i did love him, but he was also a fwen. c wat happens wen u go beyond ur better judgements and date ur fwen?? sum fwenz dont show any reactions when i start to say nethin bout my break-up, they listen and then talk bout sum other stuff ( i am very good at taking hints; so i shall bother u no more) n im like HELLOOO!! din i just attempt to pour my feelings out??~lets put them aside~

then there are the other group of caring fwens, who check on me to c hw im doin. but the thing is, when i hear their voice, hear them trying to soothe me, my voice cracks. how do i wish i wasn't sensitive and emotional. it just amazes me to c how some ppl can break up one day and then d nex minute they are gettin ready 4 another date. if only i cud do dat, der wudn't be a need 4 this pathetic post. but hey, thats wat i am now, at least i feel dat way.

i x feel lik talking to my caring fwenz bout my prob coz im just scared they might eventually get sick of it. yea... they x say it to me but that is bound to happen its only natural. the diff between shan(wen v were fwenz) and them is dat he loved me then so no matter hw annoying a fwen i was he was still thr..but that doesnt apply to other fwenz does it? i x want my caring fwenz running away wen they c me or act in a i'm-not-bothered way ....n now im confused if shan really was a fwen to start with or it was just a miserable ~girl-getting ~scheme..which i fell for...haiz..bodohnye aku..n thr are ppl hu think I am smart!